That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We left the knife in your bed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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