I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize