the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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