I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
