3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
