ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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