her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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