I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
