My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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