I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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