...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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