I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
