I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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