She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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