i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
