I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
