Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
