I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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