i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
