You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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