The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
