You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
