oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I came so hard my ears popped.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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