You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
