3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
