My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
