I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It was like giving head to a cactus.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
