mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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