I wish I only lived at night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
