My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
