They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
