i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
