How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
