shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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