I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
