there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dicks are not precious.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
