trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
