I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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