So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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