my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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