can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
