im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
