dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
