i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
