3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
false alarm, still single
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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