I want to have your abortion
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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