im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
