Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
