you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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