i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
