i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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