I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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