I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Houston, we have a squirter
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
