my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
