Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
