can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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