Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
