Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
