i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
