I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
