it hurts more in the daytime
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
