time to smoke my breakfast
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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