I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize