And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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