I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
